Members of Northwestern Greek life were relieved this week when it was announced that fraternity-sorority mixers would be restarting this quarter, as it meant that they would once again gain an arbitrary distinction to hold over their non-Greek counterparts. However, no one on campus was more excited than Quad Delt sophomore Kenzie McIntyre, who immediately started planning her spectacular demise.

McIntyre’s plan for the evening involves a meticulous schedule planned down to the minute in order to gain maximum exposure. “It starts out with four pre-game shots in Bobb, obvi,” she said, “so that way I’ll have the confidence needed to stumble into the party and really ensure that the night is a black hole of mortification and disgrace when people show me what I did on their Snap Stories later.”

Her itinerary includes nine drinks, three frats, two random boys, and one trip to Lisa’s to end the night. “Lisa’s is like, the who’s who of random engineering students and drunk freshmen. I gotta make sure I make it there. It’s hype as fuck,” she said, scribbling an addendum to her schedule.

Though a severe blackout is McIntyre’s ultimate goal for the evening, she has taken some precautions. “Um, I’m not stupid,” she scoffed, “I marked the vom spot with chalk on the sidewalk so I wouldn’t forget. It’s right at the crossroads between McCulloch, Delt, and Lisa’s. It’ll be a mix of peach svedka and one of those cookie waffles. Very prime.”