There’s been a widespread sense of panic among the students of Mech Eng 214 lately. Despite having given them their first midterm almost a 2 weeks ago, professor Peter Nielsen has yet to grade them. Speculation is rife that Nielsen is more focused on breathing new life into his marriage while the pile of ungraded midterms gathers dust in his office back on campus.

Students have expressed distress at their professor’s apparent negligence. With the drop deadline coming up next week, many are eager to know where they stand in the class. “I need to know if I’m doing well in this course or not. I appreciate Professor Nielsen’s efforts to improve his marriage, but it’d be really great if he’d tell me if I’m looking at a D- or a C+ first.”

Nielsen’s wife, Ann, however, is more appreciative of her husband’s efforts. “We haven’t really done much on Valentine’s Day in the past few years. I was excited when Peter said he wanted to ‘Netflix and Chill’ last Valentine’s Day, but I suppose it was too much for me to expect him to be up to date with pop-culture references.” This year, however, Mrs. Nielsen believes she’s going to be taken to a fancy restaurant in the Loop.

Unsurprisingly, Professor Nielsen is most proud of his resolution to give his marital life a boost. “Honestly it’s just been me spending more time at home and making married life feel less empty, but it’s definitely for the best.” Interestingly, Professor Nielsen saw the ungraded midterms to be a non-issue. “What’s the point of grading them? They have no significance to a student’s final grade. I decide final grades by drawing little pieces of paper with grades written on them out of a hat.”