In a stunning revelation, reports have confirmed that the entire student body of Northwestern is condemned to an eternal life of burning in hell.

The shocking news has come after religious saviors Jed and Cindy Smock visited Northwestern, stationed at the arch with the mission to save the heathen student body from such aberrations as masturbation, homosexuality, feminism, and marijuana.

“When you smoke the pot, the gay demons come and start talking to you,” remarked Cindy Smock to a group of sincerely interested students, so inspired that they tried to avoid eye contact as they waited to cross Sheridan Road. She also proceeded to enlighten students on the harsh reality that Hindus, Jews, Muslims, and pretty much anyone that doesn’t believe in their particular version of Jesus Christ are degenerates headed straight for hellfire.

“Wow, their comments were so insightful,” reflected Kasey Brown, WCAS ’20, “I had really never thought the temptation of the devil was really the cause of my belief that women should be treated equally to men.”

Rajesh Singh, SESP ’18, a proud homosexual, was stoic yet shaken. “I had never been referred to as ‘the Homo’ before. Apparently being gay is a life choice of mine, and not actually something beyond my control.” Singh, a lifelong Hindu, also believes that he had found Jesus, saying, “I think I saw the mad glint of their god’s eye today. His shriveled white prophet before me made it explicit when he condemned me to hellfire lest I repent. Those are damn convincing words.”

Jed and Cindy also decided to comment on the state of the 2016 election, voicing their loud support for Trump, noting that his multiple divorces and infidelity are spiritually rewarding.