EVANSTON – Local high school student Evan Saunders announced recently that while he is planning on partaking in alcohol during Northwestern’s annual Dillo Day concert, he will be abstaining from “the devil’s grass.”

“Bro, I’m, like, gonna be soooooo wasted,” Saunders was overheard telling his friends at Evanston Township High School. “But, of course, I won’t let the Green Terror come near my lungs.”

This will be the fourth year that Saunders, 15, has attended Dillo Day. He is known to take great care to ensure that everyone in his vicinity understands the magnitude of his intoxication, but he also repeatedly emphasizes that he has only consumed alcohol, and not “the evil plant.”

“I’m pumped to just let loose and get crazy!” Saunders told his friend Andrew McManson on their walk home from school. “I’m gonna drink so much. I think I’m gonna start my day with, like, eighteen shots of tequila. And then wash it down with vodka. And, like, whiskey. And then maybe top it off with five or six beers. But once I start getting peer pressured into smoking a White Stick of Death, I’ll put all those DARE lessons to use and Just Say No!”

When reporters reached McManson for comment, he issued a statement saying, “He’s such a little prick. I usually just drop some acid when we get there so I don’t have to deal with him.”