EVANSTON — Although the Northwestern chapter of Delta Delta Delta Delta is spending October promoting its signature philanthropy, sources reported that the official Quad Delt philanthropy chair was not actually involved in the planning or execution of any of these events.

“I think everyone has worked on it but her,” said Quad Delt sophomore Kelly Jones, who planned the Cheesies profit share and the write-something-cheesy-on-a-whiteboard photos. “In fact, I’m not sure she even knows which foundations we’re supporting.”

The actual philanthropy chair, who frequently posts inspirational messages in the Quad Delt Facebook group, seems oblivious of the chapter’s frustrations. “I’m honestly confused why she got elected,” member sister Sarah Smith said while gluing pins onto over 500 ribbons for general awareness. “At our munchies night she just went around talking to her friends while I slaved over a hot fryer making mozzarella sticks for three hours.”

Despite the philanthropy chair’s impassioned social media posts about the difference Quad Delt makes in the local community, the rest of the chapter did a collective facepalm. “It is actually amazing that we raised over $10,000 for people in need,” Smith said. “But I think what we need the most is to give her a cold, hard reality check.”