EVANSTON — Several sources reported earlier today that your roommate actually does care if you hit the lights.

“Every night, he asks so innocently if he can hit the lights, and every night, I casually say it’s okay,” your roommate, visibly distressed, announced earlier today. “But deep down, I actually do care. Who does he think he is to recklessly plunge our room into a pit of darkness whenever he’s ‘tired’ and ‘wants to go to bed’?”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that your roommate is now considering all his options for retribution, including leaving his dirty clothes all over the floor, putting passive-aggressive post-it notes on your desk, and maybe even “accidentally” locking you out when you go to take a shower.

“I can’t confirm or deny these allegations, but I’m carefully assessing all my options,” your roommate said while purposely leaving expired milk in the fridge for you to find.

“Maybe it’s not as bad as the time my other roommate blasted Russian polka music at 4 a.m. every Thursday for ‘religious reasons,’ but you just can’t let these things escalate, you know?”