EVANSTON — A recent study performed by the Northwestern Institute for Cancer Research shows that people who don’t buy hot dogs do, in fact, love cancer. This announcement coincides alarmingly well with a local Greek organization’s philanthropy event “Dog Days,” in which students are expected to purchase hot dogs to fight cancer.

The report goes on to say that not buying a hot dog from a philanthropy event is rarely simply a personal choice, but is almost always a bold statement of opposition to the cause. This overthrows the previous assumption that individuals who chose to not buy hot dogs either didn’t like hot dogs or did not have the $2 necessary to purchase one.

The research team suggested that these cancer-lovers are probably nothing but “dicks, assholes, and lame jerks.” They explicitly warned students against ignoring hot dog sales, lest they be mistaken for a “cancer-loving heathen.”