By Lucas Pettinato

 

The Flipside gained another exclusive interview with Northwestern’s favorite Sorority Sloot, Jane Medford, in which she was asked what “Real Food” really is. For clarification, “Real Food” is a well defined movement that promotes circulation of pretty much any food not from a big company. Their website has lots of nice, helpful terms, like “safety,” “biodiversity,” and “food justice.” Jane provided The Flipside with very personal responses, as she is proud to have recently declared herself a Philosophy Major at Northwestern.

The Flipside: So, Jane, tell us what “Real Food” is, and why it is important to you.

 

Jane: Well, I think the better question to ask in this situation is what isn’t “Real Food?” Food is the essence of life. It nourishes our bodies, our children, our Labrador retrievers. If you want to live a life that is longer than four weeks, here’s the answer to all of your problems: Eat food. Never would have guessed that was the answer to all your troubles, huh? I believe that the best thing about food is the organized role it takes in our bodies. Think about this: You ingest food, then you swallow, then you digest it, then it processes, then you take five laxatives, and then you take one of the best shits of your lifetime. You know the one where you stink up the entire public bathroom, but you don’t care at all.

If that isn’t living, I don’t know what is.

 

The Flipside: What are your thoughts on mashed potatoes?

 

Jane: Potatoes… Mashed… “Mashed” means that something is being destroyed; something is being beaten. 

However, Mashed Potatoes… Doin’ the “Mashed Potato”… 1950’s dance move. Joy, love, fun with friends, but segregation…

Mashed Potatoes is definitely “Real Food,” but it signifies pleasurable death to all human kind. I believe it would fall under the category of “glass half-empty-but-wait-I-just-poured-Hawaiian-Punch-in-the-glass-so-wouldn’t-it-be-half-full?”

 

The Flipside: And what about broccoli?

 

Jane: Broccoli… Green… Evil, very evil. Jealous that I got into Quad Delt and it didn’t. Looks like a tree, smells like a tree, tastes like a tree. Must be an evil, GDI tree.

Broccoli is definitely not “Real Food.” It signifies that going to class looking like a bum is ok just because everyone else does it. If your friends were participating in underage drinking, would you do it? Didn’t think so… #downwithpeerpressure

 

The Flipside: Last question: Can mankind survive without “Real Food?”

 

Jane: Can mankind survive without “Real Food?” Can fish survive without water? Can Left Shark survive without Right Shark?

Like every other obvious question, the answer is no. We, as a human race, revolve our lives around food. To give it up would mean chaos. 

Also, side note, just because I’m a philosophy major and it’s in my contract, the meaning of life is pudding and God does not exist because I have never met him.

*Drops clip-on microphone*