(Transcript of Clive R. Worthington III’s press conference)

I first want to thank all the members of the media who came out here today. I know you had to choose this over President Obama’s press conference on the Middle East. Trust me, though; this is worth it, because I have a major confession to make. Regarding the events of the Tappa Tappa Keg rager last Friday night, I may have exaggerated the fratty shenanigans in which I supposedly partook.

To tell you the truth, I did not actually win seven games of beer pong in a row while making multiple behind-the-back shots. In fact, I sucked. I missed every shot and really embarrassed myself. I also did not personally curate that dope playlist that kept the party going all night long. That was Chad, who has much better musical taste than I do.

Finally, I did not “get it in” with a junior from Quad-Delt, and I did not stumble home at 5 a.m., hammered but satisfied after a legendary night. In fact, every girl I talked to rejected me, and I went home at 12:30 to watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s while softly weeping.

Overall, I deeply regret not getting as turnt as I said I did. I only made these things up to impress my friends and frat brothers. Sure, they were there, but they never remember anything the next day anyways. For all of this, I am truly sorry.

However, I did not lie about the time I was in a helicopter in Iraq that got shot at by RPG’s and stuff. As a Medill student desperately in need of an internship, I am able to replace Brian Williams, starting tomorrow.