EVANSTON—Recently, a Flipside investigator acquired a notebook containing a person’s notes from a certain speed dating event at an undisclosed downtown Evanston location. Here is a copy of the person’s account of his or her speed dates.

Candidate #1:
They say that you should have a few ice-breakers ready, just in case the conversation starts to sag. I get a chance to use mine on the first boy, a freshman history major.
“What do you look for in the perfect woman?”
He looks a little nervous when I pull out a notebook and start taking notes, but how else am I supposed to keep track of important flaws? I do get to meet six attractive, smart, and–most importantly–single men tonight.
Apparently #1 and #2 are friends! I see them chatting, and #1 keeps pointing at me! It must be love.

Candidate #2:
Oh, no. #2 has to go to the bathroom, and it lasts our entire date. What bad luck! I didn’t have a chance to rank his eyebrow-hair density.

Candidate #3:
#3 seems a little on edge when I ask him what the perfect our wedding would look like. He gets a very important phone call about halfway through. Poor guy’s dorm is on fire so he has to leave right away.

Cand. #4:
#4 gets an important phone call, too. Must be interview season.

Cand. #5:
#5 actually starts laughing when I ask him about his future children. I am so insulted that, thinking back to date #2, I excuse myself to the bathroom.

#6:
#6 breaks our romantic mood (I was discussing how red roses really accentuate my eyes) by awkwardly informing me that he is here for moral support for his roommate, #3. He looks at me strangely when I ask if they salvaged anything from the dorm fire.
Mr. Right may not have been at speed dating, but maybe I should have seen that coming. It’s hard to really get to know someone so quickly. I won’t give up yet. After all, there’s always Tinder.