To my Beloved Sperrys and Salmon Shorts,

This Valentine’s Day, I just want to take a bro-ment to say how much I care about you. Forget Chloe, Cassandra, Katie, Jessica, and all my other hookups. Sometimes I can’t even remember their names, but I’ll never forget you.

I mean, you make me secure about my masculinity. No amount of lifting at SPAC could do that for me. Do you know what the other brothers at Tappa Tappa Keg would think if I wore pants of a color other than that of a fish? Or if they saw me wearing shoes actually meant to be worn somewhere other than a boat? I shudder at the thought, but your khaki comfort consoles me to no end.

Really though, how would I know I’m cool without you? Sure, girls flock to me because of my personality, physical fitness, and beer pong expertise, but you guys make me truly special. When a Quad Delt dime sees me in salmon shorts and Sperrys, she knows she’s getting a true Greek gentleman. For that, I thank you infinitely.

Sure, we’ve had some rough spots. I’m sorry for all the beer stains you’ve had to endure. I’m sorry for getting you wet in Lake Michigan last May. But this Valentine’s Day, let’s forget all that. I’m not top-tier. WE are top-tier. Together. Because, even though I may have bought you at Vineyard Vines, to me, you will always be Vineyard Divine.

See you at the pregame,

Clive R. Worthington III