EVANSTON—The Northwestern Alumni Association is planning to hold a “Dinner with 12 Strangers: Industry” in the hopes of connecting students to individuals working in the different industries that they, as students, are most likely to enter into upon graduation.  We have included the association’s list of industries for the convenience of our readers:

1. Food Service: From baristas to busboys, there are plenty of opportunities for Northwestern graduates at the countless dining establishments across our nation. At these diners you will learn about the different duties you may be called to perform, such as cleaning up vomit and being forced to sing “Happy Birthday” twelve times a night.
2. Freelance Writer: Ready to spend hours sitting at Starbucks on your laptop? Then this industry may be the one for you!  Come learn how to make it sound like you spend hours working on your novel while really you’re trying to pretend like you’re not watching porn.  Speaking of which…
3. Porn Star: For the more adventurous grad, the porn industry is a great place to look for a career. In no other field will you get the same, um, pleasure as that of the porn industry.  Plus, with the power of the Internet, it is now very easy to get started in this industry, sometimes even by accident
4. Unemployment: While not technically a career, it is nonetheless a field that many grads will enter into. At these dinners, you’ll learn what it is like to spend months searching for a job while crying yourself to sleep on a nightly basis thinking about your crippling debt and bleak future.  On the plus side you’ll have a lot of free time so you can watch as much Netflix as you want!

There is a special group for those select few students lucky enough to have rich and powerful parents.  These students will just be sent to a dinner at their homes, as they will most likely end up working in mommy or daddy’s office.  As for the lesser folks, they get their pick of these other distinguished fields. Take your pick.