By Meghan Gresk

EVANSTON − Late last Saturday night, Evanston police led the six remaining, conscious freshmen in Bobb out of the dorm after what is now being referred to as the “Saturday shit show.”

Dan Rivers, WCAS ’18, and John Rice, MEAS ’18, freshman roommates, were seen holding each other in what can only be described as a bromantic embrace as they tried to describe what had gone down.

It all started when Rivers and Rice decided to stay in on Saturday night. The two woke up at 9:30 pm after a 28-hour blackout. “We know it was the wrong thing to do,” Rivers said as his tears began to wet the shoulder of Rice’s shirt. “But we just wanted to remember at least a few hours of our weekend. You know, in case our moms called or something.”

After engaging in their not-so-secret guilty pleasure for a few hours (aka World of Warcraft, get your minds out of the gutter), the buddies went to use the second floor bathroom and were shocked to find a drunken freshman tearing a sink out of the wall. “I was just shocked it wasn’t the Poopetrator,” Rice said as he patted Rivers on the head. “I mean, people gotta learn how to hold their liquor, man.”

Running for safety, the pair headed to the cockpit only to find the police trying to question another kid passed out in the hallway. Escaping into a nearby bathroom, the roommates found that one of the urinals had been clogged with some sweet-smelling upchuck. Not only that, but a hand dryer, ripped off the wall, laid forlorn on the ground. Although Rivers denies it, he reportedly yelled something along the lines of “We should’ve lived in Chapin!”