EVANSTON – Peer Advisor Michael Bonds recently tested positive for Botoxicillin Serotonin (BS), an enthusiasm-enhancing drug that has plagued Northwestern University in the past several years. Advisors, teachers, and even students have been caught using BS to help excite freshmen and to make these freshmen optimistic about life in Northwestern.

Bonds was under suspicion of BS after freshman Darleen E. Anderson reported, “He kept going on and on about how Northwestern was the greatest thing that could happen to us and how amazing our lives will be here. I knew something was wrong.”

Another student, Franco B. Iglesias noted, “I started to suspect something when he wouldn’t stop emphasizing how great our social lives would be at Northwestern. I could literally smell the BS.”

University President Morton Schapiro commented, “The administration and I will not tolerate Botoxicillin Serotonin at Northwestern. We are dedicated to our students and faculty. We will make sure the happiness they feel during their time at Northwestern is genuine and not a product of BS.”