Exclusive insider access from Claire Picard, Class of 2018

EVANSTON – Northwestern’s class of 2018 earned their wildcat reputation last night.

After eating enough hot cookie bar to fuel up for the festivities ahead, freshman stuffed themselves into croptops and button-downs for an exciting night. Elder residents in curled hair and high heels took pictures in the lounge for thirty minutes, ready for the high society pages (re: the Facebook feed of their high school classmates).

“I thought I was going out with my new best friend Jessica, but she went out with her newer best friend, Allison, so I had to ask my less-best friend Emily,” one freshman girl said. The duo then spent a half hour texting every new number in their contact list, checking Yik Yak, and learning how to pronounce the word, “psi.”

Off campus, three wild-kittens debated the difference between Garrett and Garnet and whether it was necessary to take an Uber. “What’s our ratio?” said one. “Maybe we should just follow them and see where they’re going.”

Inside the illicitly-occupied buildings, things were getting a bit crazy. Freshman boys from Bobb pretended to know how to smoke marijuana and only coughed a lot a little. They were totally “crossed.”  One attendee recalled, “I was like, ‘Wow, this party is really crowded’ and then I was like, ‘Wow, sweat is dripping from the ceiling into my drink.’”

Later that night, dorm residents tried to hide their apparent drunkenness from their CSO, who was totally aware of their intoxication and probably high himself, and then addressed an aggressive onslaught of the drunchies.

“I made sure I got that third piece of pizza because I paid a dollar more than everyone else,” commented one partaker, who also forgot to tip.

Between the one crying girl collapsed in the stairwell and the one less-drunk girl herding her white-girl-wasted friends down Sheridan, overall it was a successful evening.

Even the freshmen who stayed in the dorms had a memorable night. CRU knocked on every door to assure every remaining member of the class of 2018 that ‘you don’t need to drink to have fun.’