By My Angry Feminist Roommate

GUYS. I’m not sure if you’ve all felt as PERSONALLY ASSAULTED by the oppressive array of purple banners on every lamp post on Sheridan as I’ve been, but I’m sure you’re aware that the Northwestern administration has unveiled its new “We Will” campaign to raise $3.75 billion. And I know I’m not alone in the community when I say that, NOTHING IS OKAY.

The FIRST thing I’d like to ask is who is the “WE”? The Northwestern community? Morty and Coach Fitz? Willie and the mouse he just caught? NO. It’s the PATRIARCHY. Where is your and my freedom to choose? Where is my liberty to say “I might”? Swallowed up by heteronormativity, THAT’S WHERE. I don’t even know what “we” are going to do, and I already feel oppressed. So unless Morty means that “we will” begin farming our own kale on Deering Meadow and work together to reinstate “History 286: How Everyone Has Privilege But You” for Fall 2014, I’d like to call on all Wildcats with a tumblr to take a stand.

President Schapiro, are you aware how much the feminist community could do with $3.75 billion? How much coconut water we could purchase for underprivileged communities in need of a sustainable low-calorie beverage with the added benefits of additional electrolytes? How dramatically those funds could reshape the future landscape of the global quinoa supply and seaweed reforestation efforts? (Such a tasty snack!) I THINK NOT.

BY ALL MEANS, purchase iPads for the football team. IGNORE the injustice in the fact that I have to wait on average fifty to eighty minutes between checking the comments section on ilovetofuandmenarepigs.com during class time when their access is constant. I’ll just continue to take notes in my green and yellow Moleskine notebooks (pink and blue reinforce gender norms and if you continue to use notebooks in these hues YOU are a part of the problem) and pretend that I’m not being disadvantaged due to my inability to play a revenue sport at a national level.

And on top of EVERYTHING ELSE, progressive Wildcats who are committed to eating only locally sourced plants and legumes must now endure the glazed terror that is NorNuts every time they stop by Norris for a midday break. What if I LIKED the sense of possibility in the vacant counter space where Crepe Bistro used to be? Morty and the administration have answered my question of “What if” with “apple fritter.” WHERE is the Icelandic skyr station in Willie’s food court? WHEN will the administration hear our cries and add a seeded spelt bread option at Subway? Until every Wildcat has equal access to the blogosphere, high-calcium/low-sugar dairy options, and live grains, I WILL NOT.