You missed the boat on Bitcoin. Your interest rates are laughably low, and you’ve already smoked the “investment” you made last fall. Spring is just around the corner, but your bank statements are as bleak and desolate as a Chicago tundra. Luckily for you, The Flipside cares about its readers. These lucrative tips have made our illustrious paper the 10th wealthiest bi-weekly satirical publication on campus, and once you’ve read this article, you’ll have no excuse not to be rich.

Part 1: Municipal Bonds

It’s tax-free, safe, high-interest, and totally LAME. Please, who wants to hear that their hard-earned money went to building a fucking water tower in Kansas? Where’s the fucking excitement in that? And I’ll tell you this; if you have a 401(k) you can stop reading this article right now. We don’t even want the ad revenue from your clicks, you pussy.

Part 2: Day Trading

Editor’s note: Flipside staff writer Phillip Knight was supposed to contribute this section of the guide, but he went bankrupt yesterday due to day trading and is therefore tied up in conversations with his lawyer.

Part 3: Cryptocurrencies

Let’s talk digital. Bitcoin. Dogecoin. Mortcoin. Magic internet money. The primary Bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox just went bankrupt last week, and that’s all the assurance The Flipside needs to bump Bitcoin up to a MUST BUY AA+++**SUPERHOLYSHIT+ rating. Thanks to Mt. Gox’s lax security, over $500 million dollars’ worth of the currency vanished. While Bitcoin hasn’t quite fucked over the world economy to the same extent as Wall Street, it’s making rapid strides to catch up. That says legitimacy. That says buy now.

Part 4: Cryptocurrencies. TAKE THE FUCKING HINT.

The subtlety of Part 3 may have been lost on some of our denser readers, so we just want to make sure the message comes across loud and clear. BUY BITCOIN, YOU CRETIN. Prices are dropping sharply, and investors are frantically urging their clients to sell. That means more opportunity for you to buy in! And the optimism of Bitcoin users is simply contagious; when the CEO of Bitcoin firm First Meta was found dead, endangering the future of the firm, internet message boards showed the power of positive thinking, staunchly insisting that the CEO was in fact “far from dead” and would likely “make a full recovery within a month!” Lead the way, brave internet pioneers!

Part 5: A Good Night’s Sleep and a Well-Balanced Breakfast

There’s no better investment for your future than to face each and every day pepped up on endorphins and REM! Along with a healthy breakfast, some light calisthenics, and the financial security provided by being born into wealth, there’s no better way to guarantee a bright future for yourself. Next time you find yourself unemployed or otherwise hurting for money, just remember to get a good night’s sleep, prepare a delicious Greek Yogurt smoothie, and beg your parents for another $300 to tide you over. That smoothie has just paid for itself at least five times over!

If this guide makes you rich, please send us some money. We’d even accept single digits. Seriously, we’re in dire straits here. Till next time, dear readers!