By Billy Reyes, Weinberg Freshman

Guys, c’mon. I don’t know why we have to do this here. Or at all. I’m not an alcoholic! I mean… c’mon, I’m a freshman! Freshmen can’t be alcoholics–Alcoholics are sad old men! I had my first-ever drink six months ago! And there’s no way that persistent binge drinking at an early age is indicative of an addictive personality and poor self-control!

James, please. You don’t have to remind me that I’ve puked in the hallway twice since October. I’m terribly ashamed of my actions last night. Just as terribly ashamed as I’ll be the next time it happens. But why are you guys dwelling on the bad aspects? We’re having fun! That’s what you’re supposed to do in college! It’s not my fault that you guys can’t keep up. I made out with five different girls last night! Who cares if they all tasted like bile? I’m making precious college memories here. And I woke up in my own bed too.

How? Well, I, uh…

Oh, Carl carried me? Well, thank you, Carl. You know I’d do the same for you, right? If I were ever sober enough to see that one of my buddies had had a bit too much to drink, I would absolutely take care of them. Right after I encouraged them to shotgun another three beers.

Even if, and that’s a big if, my drinking has grown slightly out of control, it’s not like it affects any of you. Really, it’s none of your business. Yes, yes, you don’t need to remind me that I hit on David’s girlfriend and ruined Carl’s night by making him babysit a 6’2”, puking, petulant toddler. I already apologized.

Oh, come on! That’s the second time I’ve said I’m sorry! What, are you all going to lord my mistakes over me just because I commit them on a weekly basis? ‘Cause that don’t sound like friendship to me, and I don’t need these burdens in my life!

Look, I’m sorry I lost my temper there. I appreciate your concern. I really do. Let’s just put this ugly business behind us and go grab a drink. It’s been a long day.

GODDAMMIT, JAMES, YES I KNOW IT’S WEDNESDAY.