EVANSTON — Last Monday, one of the worst recorded disasters in Northwestern history occurred when a vicious microwave-spawned fire erupted in the Technological Institute, shattering the peace and calm of the normally collected campus. President Schapiro, held a press conference in response to the incident.

“I know that it has been a rough week for everyone,” Schaprio began. “Mid-terms just finished. Nobody has slept much. And this week, Northwestern had one of the worst accidents it has ever experienced. No scandal compares to this travesty; from utilizing emergency services to sending alert emails to inform the student body on the situation as it developed, nothing has taken a harder toll on our university’s resources.”

“All of us mourn the loss of the Technological Institute’s second floor microwave, and the foil-wrapped burrito that could not be saved,” Schapiro continued. “We mourn the class time lost, and the hundreds of confused people who were evacuated into the rather pleasant weather for seemingly no reason. It is a loss without parallel.”

Schapiro ended the conference on a positive note. “But we are a strong university of resilient people. We must move on, and push forward, learning from our mistakes. Please, do not keep microwaving your popcorn after the popping stops. Please, do not forget to add water to your Easy-Mac. While the brave men and women of the police and fire departments are here for you, they still shouldn’t have to respond to burned microwave food this often.”