EVANSTON — Ah, Valentine’s Day . . . What a perfect day to decide to go speed dating at the Celtic Knot. What? You haven’t been speed dating at the Celtic Knot? Well, you’re in luck! The Flipside did the dirty so you wouldn’t have to. Without further ado, here’s the guide to people you’ll meet speed dating at the Celtic Knot:

1. The senior openly regretting his history major who advises you to enjoy life before you realize just how unemployable you are.
2. The girl taking shots out of a flask in the ladies’ restroom five minutes in.
3. An actual adult Celtic Knot patron who is totally judging the girl taking shots out of a flask in the ladies’ restroom.
4. The person who listens to “all kinds of music” as well as the person who enjoys watching movies in his spare time, unlike the rest of humanity.
5. The senior girl who’s still hoping for #ringbyspring.
6. Another girl who’s in a competition with her friends to get as many matches as possible and could totally care less what you’re actually saying.
7. The international student who guilt trips your privileged suburban self.
8. Not only the guy who not-so-casually mentions he’s in a band, but also the guy who not-so-casually mentions he taught himself guitar (Sooo impressive—my clothes are coming off as we speak).
9. People who are thirsty . . . for authentic Irish beer (Guinness from a can anyone?).
10. The performance studies/computer science/political science triple major and planning on a lucrative career in social policy-rooted Broadway acting computer code writing (Why?).
11. The person who’s enjoying their third year in Plex (WHYYY???).
12. The girl who’s “only here because [her] friends are here.”
13. The one semi-hot guy in the room.
14. The girl(s) clawing her(their) way to talk to the one semi-hot guy in the room.
15. One of the many, many, less-than-hot guys in the room.
16. The guy who asks you about your plan to take over the world. (Right, I’ll get on it as soon as I pass my midterms.)
17. The guy who’s working at a hedge fund next year (Go home).
18. All of the Northwestern students who literally have no idea how to date people (Like, how? What? What do I do with my hands? What? Oh wait . . . never mind . . .)
19. Your soul mate (because that would be deliciously ironic).
20. The investigative journalist who’s secretly writing an article about the people you’ll meet speed dating at the Celtic Knot. Sorry, potential suitors.