SOCHI, RUSSIA — French athletes have accused Russian and United States representatives of colluding to give their figure skaters higher marks, a claim which both nations have vigorously denied. Since France has accused another country of cheating in every Olympic Games since 1998, the IOC has refused to investigate the claim until France can produce “even the smallest shred of evidence.”

Nevertheless, Charlie White, captain of the United States figure skating team, released the following statement:

“The United States is not, has never, and would never cooperate with the Russians on awarding each other higher scores. We would consider conniving with the Germans or Canadians, but we are not doing so this year. We asked them and they refused.”

“Despite their baseless accusations, we would like to thank our French allies for their vigilance. The French athletes wholly deserve their gold medals for the Tattletale event. We would also like to congratulate them for winning the silver in Hypocrisy—they’re colluding with the Italians!”

White’s surprise allegation prompted the Italians to categorically repudiate any claims of cheating and to brazenly accuse the Ukrainians of conspiring with the Finnish to rig the Bobsled scoring. The Ukrainians and Finnish, respectively, said that the Norwegians and the Kyrgyzstanis were cheating at Luge and Sprungschießen, and that the Japanese are a bunch of whiney name-callers, which the Japanese called an outright lie, the dirty snow-gobblers.

By the end of the day, nearly every sovereign nation had both accused and been accused by another country of cheating.

Jamaica admitted that it had indeed cheated at Battle Curling with the aid of contraband razor-tipped brooms, but the Caribbean nation still could not manage to finish in a place higher than last.