EVANSTON — Sources confirmed that this past Thursday, the shuttle you missed was genuinely distraught that it left you behind at the bus stop.

The shuttle knew you were running late for your freshmen seminar. It knew that whenever you’re late, Billy takes your seat next to that cute redhead. The shuttle was also aware that you drank a little too much last night and that the walk to Kresge would turn you pale white as you stepped into class. It knew that it was your only hope. Yet despite its best attempts, the shuttle could not wait for you.

“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure.” The shuttle began to get choked up, and Flipside Investigators were forced to step in to console the shuttle.

The shuttle did admit that this wasn’t the first time it left without you. Remember that one time when the temperatures reached -120°? The shuttle guiltily admitted that though you were losing feeling in eight of your ten fingers, it made the selfish decision to depart before you arrived.

“I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. I vow, that from this point forward, I will be a new shuttle—one not controlled by intrinsic desires but one that always puts your needs first. I hope you forgive me. Ride me again. Please.”