THE HEAVENS — Following the highly publicized debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye on creationism and evolution, God rejected the idea that he was in any way responsible for creating Ham. In a brief press statement, God denied that Ham, the president and founder of Answer in Genesis and the Creation Museum, was in any way a result of his omnipotence.

“The Bible says I said ‘let there be light,’ not ‘let there be Ken Ham,’” God wrote in the statement, the exact meaning of which theologians will argue over for centuries. “I understand that my lack of clarity in communicating my ideas has often resulted in confusion and conflict. I was willing to tolerate such consequences of my ambiguity. However, let there be no confusion: I am not responsible for the creation of Mr. Ham.”

God pleaded that his followers ought not to bother themselves with a pointless conflict Ham has stirred as a result of his activism and rather focus on the important things in life, such as the validity of wearing mixed fiber fabric or putting ketchup on hot dogs.