EVANSTON — President Schapiro released a statement this week regarding Northwestern’s ongoing emergency situation: Flappy Bird. Currently the most popular smartphone app on the market, students across campus are becoming consumed by its addictive qualities.

President Schapiro’s statement read, “Due to the drastic levels of Flappy Bird being played on this campus, I’m instituting threat level DEFCON 0.003. In other words, this is the most serious threat to our Northwestern community since classes were held during the polar vortex. As required by DEFCON 0.003 protocols, all Wi-Fi and cellphone service will be deactivated to prevent further downloads of the infectious app. Also, a registration hold will be placed on all students’ CAESAR accounts until the app is deleted from all devices.”

Schapiro learned of the mass-obsession when he “received multiple emails from professors claiming that their students’ grades have been steadily declining since the release of the app. Multiple professors said that at any one time, 45-78% of the class was distracted during lecture by Flappy Bird, including a few instances of whoops and hollering when a student breached the elusive score of 50.”

Sherry Clain, Weinberg sophomore, commented, “I used to do so much cocaine. Like pick an amount of cocaine and I probably did more than that. This app is great because it takes my mind off of cocaine.”

Clain’s story provides just one example of the obsessions and delusions the app’s users experience. “It’s shocking, how much addiction surrounds this game,” commented John H. Dunkle, Executive Director of Northwestern’s Counseling and Psychological Services. “To curb this addiction, we plan to introduce a lesser evil. To that end, our offices will be distributing free heroin to afflicted students for the indefinite future. It is strongly encouraged that students take advantage of this opportunity as it could save them from a terrible fate.”

President Schapiro ended his statement with some words of encouragement for affected students: “Oh, and just so you know, I’m at 125. #startedatthebottomnowwehere.”