By a Concerned Parent of Two (One of Which Wants the PS4 for Christmas)

With all of the concern today about holiday shaming, sexualized festive hand bell performances, and passive aggressively italicizing/underling the Christ in Christmas, it seems that a large number of people believe in the ongoing War on Christmas, but what they fail to realize is the inexplicable and horrible assault on America’s most widely celebrated and beloved holiday: Black Friday.

Thanks to the unavoidable “Christmas creep,” Cyber Monday, and this year’s Thanksgiving Day sales, Black Friday no longer signifies the designated celebration of capitalist excess it used to. In fact, it is predicted to be one of the worst holiday shopping weeks in recent years (thanks, Obama’s healthcare Christmas). How will we know who is devoted to the true meaning of Black Friday, the birth of our savior TV Deals, marked by the arrival of three stampedes, illuminated by the fluorescent Walmart sign in the night sky above?

The dedication to physically sorting through a mauled display of Playstation games is now being assaulted by the likes of people who “shop online” or do “turkey trots.” All of the concern about “multicultural sensitivity” is totally misplaced with there are people out there not deeply reflecting on the Holy Book of Newspaper Flyers and pondering the question of whether someone who didn’t camp outside the night before is a really Black Friday virgin or not.

If you’ve ever reveled in purchasing your father an armchair with a built-in remote control holder for $79.99 on Black Friday, consider this your call to arms. The war on Black Friday is very real and these overly-PC secularist liberals are nothing compared to the combined forces of turkey trotters and Thanksgiving leftovers enthusiasts.

This Black Friday, it doesn’t matter if the GAP employee tells you “Merry Christmas” or Happy Holidays.” The only important thing is whether you get your hands on that 50% off cream sweater set before the bitch behind you does.