EVANSTON — According to The Daily Northwestern, The Daily Northwestern is continuing to print a newspaper five times a week.

The editorial staff of one of Northwestern’s oldest and least-read student publications has confirmed that the heavily-outdated form of media it calls “The Daily” is still alive and well, and in fact is still trying to deliver news to Northwestern students and Evanston residents alike.

“Yep, just wanted to remind everyone that we’re still here,” said Medill senior and Daily editor-in-chief Brian Bushman, stacking that day’s dumpster-bound paper on top of the untouched pile from yesterday. “Still bringing you all the news you need… right now… for real.”

Reports indicate that The Daily Northwestern’s staff members—all three of them—still work their fingers to the bone to bring the community definitely-necessary local news. Information so vital, in fact, that the paper has had distribution centers around campus this entire time for the sole purpose of bringing their product directly to their valued readers.

“Oh, the Daily?” recalled Bienen junior Mandy Alberts, “I think that was what we used to kindle the Willard bonfire my freshman year—that was a fully functioning newspaper intended to bring the most important news right to me personally? I had no idea.”

“If only they had a website,” she added.

Sources say that The Daily Northwestern will continue to kill thousands of trees every quarter as it continues to print every day. “This is truly what it means to be a journalist,” said Bushman. “It’s about appealing to your current readership while making a push to reach a farther audience. In this way, we’re really trying to be cutting-edge.”

Finishing his interview with The Flipside—which he was all too eager to give—Bushman pointedly refused to acknowledge that a homeless man outside Panera was using several copies of The Daily as a blanket.