EVANSTON — The Northwestern University Library has long loaned out many items besides books: DVDs, umbrellas, and dry-erase markers have all been available through the library’s various offices. However, Library Director Penny Biblia recently announced that the library will no longer be loaning out certain items. The Flipside investigated the items to which students will no longer have complimentary access, and the reasons for the discontinuation of these materials.

• MacBook Chargers — Patrons were checking out one item and returning, in its place, their own broken item.
• The Harry Potter Series — After discovering how much students enjoyed the stories of the young wizard, Evanston mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl demanded the books be held in an area of the library inaccessible to students, known as the Restricted Section, only explored while under an invisibility cloak.
• Prescription Drugs — Preliminary speculation offers radical suggestion that students were not using pills for medicinal purposes.
• Comfortable Furniture — The swivel chairs in the Collaborative Lounge were actually never available for checkout. (Oh well, we saved money on furnishing our office.)
• Home Addresses of Professors — “He said you invited him to dinner” stopped working in vandalism cases several years ago.
• Condoms — See “MacBook Chargers.”
• Umbrellas — Quit being a pansy. It’s just water.
• Library Maps — Investigation showed that students were finding materials and study locations in a timely manner.
• Food in Plaza Café — The full café menu will now be replaced with oatmeal raisin Hot Cookie Bar.