WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama completed the campaign mode of Grand Theft Auto V in a record 340 hours, allowing the government to finally get back up and running.

“You know, most people just go through the game and do what you’re supposed to,” stated Obama. “I am the kind of guy that likes to kill every single damn person in the game. Twice. This is easier said than done.”

First Lady Michelle Obama commented, “I’m just so proud of him. Not many people are strong-willed enough to beat Grand Theft Auto in such a timely manner. If it weren’t for Barack’s sheer determination, the government would still be shut down.”

People have been speculating as to why the bipartisan bickering was resolved so quickly. House Speaker John Boehner had something to say on the subject. “People are probably wondering why I caved on this whole government shut down thing. I really could care less. I just beat the final gym leader in Pokémon X and I’m on fucking cloud nine right now.”

In other news, the next possible date of governmental stagnation is on October 29th, which in no way correlates to Battlefield 4’s release date.