WASHINGTON — After “nonessential” portions of government were shut down at the beginning of October, congressmen continue to fail to compromise. Any discussions amidst lawmakers, which are occurring between late-night raves and bar-crawls, have made no progress toward restoring the government’s full function.

“Both Republican and Democratic representatives are exhibiting a blatant refusal to compromise between their parties,” said William Middleton, professor of Political Science at the University of Indiana. “I wouldn’t bother either. They’re still getting paid, but don’t have to do shit. I’d just keep on drinking and having fun all damn day too if I were them. It’s not like they care about the people or anything.”

Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.

“It’s like I’m in college again,” said Representative Joshua Brovlovski (R-CA), beer in hand, “except I’m getting paid with taxpayer dollars to get shitfaced, instead of paying for it. Plus, the cops are on my side!”

Hundreds of complaints have been filed with the police against the barbaric actions of congressmen.

“These rowdy congressmen are a horrible nuisance,” said Washington D.C. resident Molly Brighton. “The police won’t arrest them for fear of repercussions, but they keep showing up drunk at night in the neighborhood. I don’t even feel safe going out at night anymore. There’s just congressmen everywhere.”

The nation continues to watch and wait for Congress to reconvene (probably hung over) to discuss the monetary obligations of the federal government.

Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) will introduce a bill that will deem Congress a nonessential part of government. Dr. Middleton predicts that should Congress be shutdown, the government would regain its ability to function.