When you write an article for your school paper, there are some words that you never imagine using. One of these words is PORN. After the movie Don Jon came out last week, porn is suddenly “cool.” I mean, if Joseph Gordon-Levitt is into it, shouldn’t we all be?

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this article isn’t actually about porn. All of you skimming for the part about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape—sadly, you won’t find mention of it here. Instead, I’m going to talk about a different kind of porn: career porn. These are the careers that make you say oh baby and that’s it and right there and yes yes yessss. The careers that make you reconsider the ethics of cloning and make you sympathize with all perpetrators of identity theft.

Being a small-town girl from the suburbs, most people would be shocked to know that I secretly want to be Eminem. Who doesn’t? Although he looks like Voldemort in a doo-rag, Eminem has become the very definition of “cool.” Not only that, but he’s also managed to make domestic violence seem cool in his song “Love the Way You Lie,” co-written by Rihanna, who names Chris Brown as her inspiration.

When talking about Eminem, you can’t not mention his lyric ability. I didn’t know there were so many different ways to say “I hate my mom.” Every one of his songs contains a surplus of one-liners that could take over Twitter with its wit and cruelty.

By 2002, people thought Eminem was so cool that they were willing to watch a two-hour movie about his life. And he’s not even dead yet! In 8 Mile, Eminem was cast as himself because not even Channing Tatum could fill his Nikes. At the end of the movie, Eminem wins an epic rap battle that jumpstarts his career as the first white rapper who could actually (somewhat) rap.

Whether you know him as Eminem, Slim Shady, B-Rabbit Smith, or that guy I would never want to run into on the street, you can’t deny that Eminem’s career makes you want to scream “Jesus Christ!” in the middle of the night, much to Jesus Christ’s horror.