YOUR DORM, UNFORTUNATELY — According to sources deep in the heart of the fraternity quad, you better go all-in on that party tonight, because wow, is there some serious babe-age over there.

In fact, said babes are appearing in such number that they are even being turned away from the festivities, and—believe it, man—are now wandering around outside, cold and alone, waiting for you to come and entertain them.

Meanwhile, you sit around in your dorm lobby waiting for your half-drunk friends to come downstairs and join you, but the masses of chicks currently milling around outside, sans-escort, aren’t going anywhere. And by the way, sources continue, you bet your sweet ass that they want some of that cheap booze you keep in your desk drawer.

“Man, the amount of girls out here!!!!” one source reads. “Astronomical!! Theres 3 chicks for every guy, dream sit for any bro lookin to ride the SS Shebang.”

“That means sex,” indicated a follow-up report.

Of course, at this point all of the rides you will be having tonight are limited to the Evanston Loop, because your idiot friend Jeremy told you those corduroy pants went perfectly with that wooly brown sweater. It creates a combination that incoming reports are confirming is not exactly a so-called “pussy magnet.”

Seriously, bro.

Despite this, sources elaborate that the whole night is something that only appears in your wildest dreams, and continue to suggest that you better hurry the hell up and head over there. After all, Jeremy is not going to be any more sober, you are not becoming any more fashionable, and Geez-us Christ will Scott stop texting you about Lindsey Schaffer? You know she is there already. My god. Seriously, fuck him, right?

According to further reports, when you finally moved your sorry ass outside and down Sheridan, it was too late, as the absolute paradise of womanhood had vacated all parties on the quad, leaving nothing but sausage fests in its wake. And Lindsey Schaffer went home with another, more proactive, gentlemen.

Sources are telling you to suck it.