EVANSTON — Weinberg freshman Weston Jacoby decided to convert to Christianity after members of Christian activism group Cru came to his dorm room and informed him of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Jacoby, formerly a non-practicing Jew, had never heard of the Bible or Christ before the members of Cru informed him of the tenets of Christianity. Jacoby says he was astonished that such important religious truths had evaded him his whole life.

“If someone had told me about this Jesus guy before, I totally would’ve signed up! I mean, the guy walked on water, turned water into wine, and died for our sins, all before he was 35! Talk about an overachiever!”

Even though Cru’s rate of conversion has always been 0%, Cru has never given up knocking on the doors of Northwestern students. Their mission is to spread awareness around campus of a religion that is already practiced by 80% of the country’s population and that is well-understood by anyone who doesn’t live under a rock.

One member of Cru was very pleased to have finally found a student that did not slam the door shut in his face within seconds of opening it.

“When we ask students if they’ve accepted Christ as their lord and savior, the answer is always either ‘Yes’ or ‘Get the fuck out of here, who do you think you are, harassing people like this?’ So we were really surprised when Weston told us he’d never heard of the Bible.”

Weston explained that after his hometown’s libraries, schools, and religious center were all crushed by a freak landslide, his family’s fears of future damage forced them to move underground. Homeschooled in this subterranean atmosphere, Weston said that the Bible simply “never came up” in his studies.