By Morty Schapiro

When PTI invited me to go out drinking before the convocation ceremony last Monday, I thought to myself, No, I couldn’t do that… that’s highly inappropriate. I have to set a good example for these incoming freshmen. But after putting a little more thought into it, I was like, You know what? PTI, you’re right. YOLO.

I told myself I would only have a couple drinks. Just enough to ease my nerves for the convocation speech, you know? But PTI kept handing me shot after shot. She may not look it, but let me tell you, PTI can really throw it down. I spent most of the morning just trying to keep up.

Anyways, we’re on the way to the convocation and I’m feelin’ good. I walk up on the stage and the crowd is chanting my name, I’m in the zone. To be honest, I don’t think I talked about anything I had planned on talking about, but the freshmen seemed into it. I basically just ended up telling them everything they weren’t going to accomplish in college.

I think I told them they’ll probably change majors a lot, they’ll hate their roommates, and they definitely won’t fall in love. I also brought up Dillo Day a lot, but never told them who was performing, I just kept saying “heartbeat” over and over again which had no relevance whatsoever. It was hilarious. I’m hilarious. MOR-TY, MOR-TY, MOR-TY…