EVANSTON — Weinberg freshman Lila Deluca, overwhelmed with stress after only a single day of classes, dropped out of Northwestern University last Wednesday and accepted a position as an exotic dancer at the Admiral Theatre Strip Club in Chicago.

“At first I was, like, really excited about college and all,” DeLuca told her advisor. “But then, like, I was in Intro to International Relations and it seemed like I was like, going to have to read a lot. That’s, like, bullshit.”

DeLuca, the valedictorian of her class at Portland Alternative High School, where everyone is a valedictorian, came to Northwestern without having decided on a major and says she needed to “find herself” before making such a big decision. Unfortunately, the stress of the first day of class was too much for the former Cheer Squad Captain to handle.

“I’ve always had stripping in mind as a backup plan, I just didn’t expect to fall back on it this early,” DeLuca elaborated. She cited her overly enthusiastic Peer Advisor, a particularly demotivating speech by Student Advisory Board President Jonathan Kernes, and an oppressively careerist attitude in the NU student body as reasons for her fall from grace.

Studies from the Kellogg School of Management in recent years have shown a sharp rise in the number of female students departing from the college route in favor of removing clothing. This rise appears to be inversely correlated with the grades of their male counterparts.

“Like, I don’t know, this just feels right, you know?” Lila mused to The Flipside. “I just think I’m way better off on this route. Plus my parents don’t know so I still get the tuition money. I don’t know why I didn’t do this to start off with. Anyway, can I put my clothes back on now?”