EVANSTON — A noticeably troubled and shaken President Morton Schapiro stood in front of the Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary earlier today, announcing that he had discovered the institute is entirely vacant. “I figured that after having been here for four whole years, I owed it to myself to check out what was there,” said the President and Professor of the University. “It’s totally empty. There aren’t even walls and hallways inside the structure. It’s just one gigantic chamber.”

Schapiro stated that he could not recall many details regarding the inside of the structure, as he fled from it almost immediately after entering. “I entered the building at 12:35. There were no lights, and I could only see by the sunlight emanating through the windows.”

Schapiro continued, “Everything felt wrong, as if the building itself was rejecting me. The walls were a bizarre, new color, one I had never seen before, and one I never want to see again. I felt as if the longer I stood within this lonely and hollow place, the more lonely and hollow I myself would become. When I attempted to flee, my feet would not carry me out of the hellish, Stygian chamber. I gathered up all of my strength and made a mad rush toward the door, into sunlight and security. I somehow made it out, and saw that it was only 12:36. I felt like I had spent an eon in that strange chamber, but it had only been a minute in the rest of the world.”

Schapiro then broke into wailing tears as the Northwestern University Marching Band played the fight song.