DOHA, QATAR — Dean Everette E. Dennis announced on Monday the immediate closure of Northwestern University in Qatar’s foreign campuses in Evanston and Chicago. “While it’s unfortunate to say goodbye to such an integral part of our history,” said Dennis in a short press conference, “it would be a crime to our students if we didn’t focus on the future. And the future for Northwestern University is in Qatar.”

While the Dean did not answer many questions, he did confirm that students from Northwestern University’s Illinois campuses would be allowed to transfer into Northwestern University in Qatar. However, he warned “students from the Midwest will have to learn to stop boasting about being immune to the cold during the winter, because we don’t have one of those. I hope you’ve boned up on the difference between heat and humidity, because that’s going to be your small talk now and forever.”

A following press release from renowned coach Pat Fitzgerald confirmed that he would move to Qatar in order to coach football at Northwestern University’s only remaining campus. However, he warned, “I do not have experience with training strikers, midfielders, defenders, or goalkeepers, but I’ll certainly do my best for the Wildcats. We’re going to have to build a good team if we want to stand a chance against our rival, Texas A&M University at Qatar.”

Dennis also stated that Northwestern University in Qatar would begin to open up study abroad trips to the United States, stating, “Students can look forward to drinking and watching Netflix while allegedly studying in St. Louis, Albuquerque, or Fort Worth.”

While Northwestern University in Qatar currently only has schools in Communication and Journalism, Dennis clarified Northwestern University in Qatar will transfer over many of the educational programs currently housed by Northwestern’s campuses in Illinois. Dennis proudly stated, “We’re certainly going to be starting up a new and improved SESP as soon as possible, maybe followed by constructing buildings for an eventual school of music. We would be thrilled to open up a theater program, although of course that will have to wait until Qatar legalizes male homosexuality.”