THE LAKEFILL — At approximately 3:37 PM, June 1 2013, SESP Junior Michelle Cunningham will lose all hope for humanity after making the tragic mistake of attending a Dillo Day performance completely sober. Without the ignorant bliss afforded by alcohol-impaired facilities, Cunningham will be able to accurately perceive the Hieronymus Bosch-styled carnival of nightmares that we affectionately refer to as “Mayfest.”

As recently as her 21st birthday celebration last month, Cunningham, who hopes to one day teach middle school English, was referred to by close friends and acquaintances as a “charmingly bright, sprightly girl,” whose “enduring love for humanity could never be endangered by the gruesome image of a bloodied ETHS Sophomore projectile vomiting onto the rocks of Lake Michigan.”

Sources close to Cunningham have kindly provided us with a full timeline of how the fateful afternoon is scheduled to transpire:

2:58 – Moments after Cunningham’s (BAC 0.01%) timely arrival for the start of rapper Danny Brown’s set, the native Floridian is approached by Comm. Senior Daniel Hodgkins (BAC 0.24%), who gives up half-way through a pick-up line to collapse on her and attempt to shove his tongue down her throat.

3:07 – Cunningham notices a direct correlation between inebriation level and willingness to applaud for Detroit-born rapper Danny Brown (BAC 0.13%).

3:12 – Cuningham’s best friend Sarah Foxton (BAC 0.21%) arrives from the Tri-Delt pregame.

3:13 – Sarah Foxton begins passionately making out with Daniel Hodgkins.

3:24 – A badly sunburnt Sigma Chi brother (BAC 0.16%) adamantly refuses to put a shirt on. A brawl ensues.

3:28 – Cunningham becomes increasingly apprehensive of Evanston maintenance worker Johnny Hawkins (BAC 0.08%), who has been continually gazing in her direction for just a few moments too long.

3:34 – Cunningham’s roommate Linda Hay (BAC 0.11%) relentlessly attempts to make out with her gay friend.

3:37 – In a horrifying moment of clarity, Cunningham realizes that these people will one day be the parents of her students. She hastily leaves the Lakefill to get drunk and research a change in majors.