By Eric Holder

Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world?

No way. Really?

I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources?

That’s just wrong. Now whenever people try to inform journalists of something terrible going on, like whistleblowers narking on corporate fraud or governmental abuse of power, they would have to worry that the Justice Department can figure out who they are just like that.

So I made that happen? Huh, no kidding.

No, seriously. When I first saw that, I just skimmed it. It said something about Yemen and terrorists, so I totally thought it was just another white paper legally justifying drone strikes. Well, you know how it is. They send me those so often these days that I eventually stopped reading them. I usually come up with a bunch of meaningless crap to deflect blame anyways so it’s not like I need to actually read all of them. I just never expected my aides to sneak this one in the pile without even telling me.

Man, I really messed up this time.

Eric Holder is the Attorney General of the United States. He is the author of “Due Process? You Die When I Say You Die” and “Drones and You: Your Constitution Can’t Save You Now.”