TEVA PHARMACEUTICALS — New legislation will soon enable women above the age of 15 to purchase Plan B One-Step® emergency contraceptive without parental consent. This is an exciting time for Teva Pharmaceuticals shareholders, and the company is proud to announce that it has been awarded an exclusive patent for production and sale of a new once-a-day contraceptive: “Plan B for Kids.”

These chewable daily vitamins, an essential part of any balanced breakfast, deliver a clinical dosage of levonorgestrel in teenager-approved Red Bull® and Monster® Energy Drink flavors, and make a perfect companion to the abstinence-only sexual education favored by many of America’s finest schools.

Teva Pharmaceutical’s latest product shatters all previously-established paradigms by freeing parents and school systems of responsibility for teaching their children responsible safe sex practices. If caregivers are too embarrassed to say the word “sex” in front of the products of their loins, or think that pre-marital orgasms enrage God, they can either deny the problem exists (while their daughters experiment in dangerous environments to learn about sex somehow), or they can pump just one more chemical into their daughter’s daily diet instead.

Teva Pharmaceuticals projects astronomical sales.

For more information on Plan B for Kids, see Teva Pharmaceuticals’ new ad in Highlights for Children.

Teva Pharmaceuticals: Taking the “L” out of #YOLO since 1973