For the first time in its storied existence, The Onion has issued an apology for its content. Many were outraged when “America’s Finest News Source” targeted 9-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhané Wallis with a tasteless expletive, forcing Onion, Inc. CEO Steve Hannah to post a contrite note of regret on his site’s front page.

After thorough discussion amongst The Flipside’s executive board and preferred astrologists, we have come to the decision that it is in our best interests for The Flipside to reach out to all of those who we’ve unfairly singled out over the last five years and grovel at their feet. In no particular order, we would like to apologize to:

Stefan Demos: With Northwestern Football having finally reclaimed their tarnished legacy with a bowl game win, we’re willing to move on, put the past behind us, and forgive you for breaking our hearts in the 2010 Outback Bowl. Also, NU underclassmen no longer know who you are, and we need to keep up with the times.

Area Man: Your fine name has been tarnished by the harshest libel imaginable in the pages of our fine publication. You’ve been accused of everything from borderline illiteracy to fiscal irresponsibility to dressing like a slut on Halloween, yet you have endured our barbs with the greatest dignity imaginable. We’re sure you’ll understand when we label you an incest-loving Fascist next week.

Chet Haze: We apologize for making you the new Demos. We’re just jealous; honest. From even a cursory glance of your Twitter account, we have come to the conclusion that you must be a world-class satirist, the likes of which have not been seen since Swift, Twain, and Vonnegut. We humbly tip our hats to you.

The Unknown Engineer: We have endured nearly an entire year of unrelenting guilt for dedicating an entire issue to mocking you, but have no plans to stop any time in the future. As a half-assed measure of contrition, The Flipside will establish an eternal flame in the basement of Tech, honoring the Unknown Engineer and the sacrifices that he has made for the good of the school. We may not know your name, and we may not know your face, because you never leave Slivka, but we can still honor your legacy.

Writers of The Fighting Methodist: The Fighting Methodist is one of Northwestern’s oldest and most revered publications, and we apologize for not paying you the somber respect that you deserve. We promise to be more deferential in the future, and pay our due diligence. In our defense, we originally thought that you were a comedy organization.

Signed,

-Andrew Schneider
Flipside Public Relations and Bereavement