Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Esteemed senators, desperate wannabes.

Three years ago, I attended a senate meeting. I don’t remember what the meeting was about, and I doubt anyone still remembers it. All I remember is that a lengthy argument broke out over whether a non-senator in attendance in place of an absent senator could vote in a procedural vote based on Robert’s Rules of Order. Then, two hours into debate, the senators realized a key subcommittee member was absent and decided it was only fair to table the topic, hence wasting everyone’s time.

I remember thinking, just what on earth is wrong with these people?

Today, I can tell that much has changed since. For one thing, the composition of the senate changes often enough to suit the tastes of the reigning president. The subtle changes are duly noted by the remaining three students who read The Daily Northwestern cover to cover on a daily basis.

No more are the days when everyone thought it was acceptable to waste time on procedural matters. Indeed, the senate now occupies itself with matters much less idiotic; the likes of whether it should congratulate a dead president’s birthday through what is essentially the equivalent of writing “happy birthday” on someone’s Facebook wall. I must say that I do feel bad for President Reagan for that tremendous snub from a group mostly made of flaming liberals. I bet he never saw that coming.

Yes, it’s also definitely important that we lobby our senators to support stronger gun control. Because if the combined voice of Northwestern students didn’t intervene, Senators Dick Durbin and Mark Kirk would totally vote to legalize rocket-propelled grenades, right? The “F” and “D” ratings they got from the NRA totally mean they’re total gun nuts who, save for the morally righteous outcries of Northwestern students, wouldn’t stop till there’s a pistol in every hand, a shotgun in every house, right? How long do I have to wait till I get calls from Phonathon asking me to donate to the ASGPAC?

By the way, the next time we vote for senators, I would like to see their written statements of positions on the following issues:
*New Student Center Initiative
*Marriage equality
*Construction on campus
*Boxers or Briefs?
*Lance Armstrong
*The Keg of Evanston
*Obamacare
*Coach Carmody’s contract
*Yen devaluation
*Thrift shops: awesome or fucking awesome?
*Hot cookie bar

Silly me, I don’t get to vote for senators. In fact, four in ten Northwestern students don’t get to vote for senators. The eight senators supposedly representing off-campus students are appointed by a committee. You know what other government appoints members of its legislature? Most of them have “People’s,” “Democratic,” “Islamic,” or “Kingdom” in their official titles.

What’s that? Am I a senator? No. It doesn’t matter. I’m still allowed to participate in debates. Oh just stop. You can take that point of order and stick it up your…

The Flipside would like to remind our readers that the Associated Student Government is an important organization within Northwestern that strives to improve the lives of students. Most importantly, they partially fund The Flipside, just as long as our printed issues are not confused as fliers.