Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Editors, Reporters, Photographers, Designers. I stand before you this evening to deliver The State of The Daily. Now, I must confess that I’m not on staff, but I did write one story freshman year, so I feel both honored and qualified to deliver this address.

To be honest, I haven’t picked up a copy of The Daily since I was a sophomore, and I haven’t read an issue cover to cover since I was a freshman. But I do read articles online! Occasionally.

Which brings me to my first point. Readership for The Daily is dismal. Despite printing as many issues as you always do and placing them in the same old and decrepit distribution bins, fewer and fewer students are reading The Daily. This is a travesty; The Daily is a living shadow of its former glory.

This brings me to my second point. Looking around this newsroom, I see nothing but living shadows. You are all zombies. The Daily has sucked your life away. You spend all your time reporting, editing, photographing, and whatnot. Yes, editors, I know that last sentence used an Oxford comma, I can see the anger flash in your eyes. So sue me. The point is, you have no friends apart from other staffers. You skip class to finish that story. You only go to Daily parties.

And yet no one reads it.

Friends, the state of The Daily is abysmal. While your 300-word-limit for articles prevents me from detailing any solutions, I can say that urgent changes are necessary. If The Daily is to survive this decade, you must institute policies that increase readership—

Actually, wait, never mind.

It’s hopeless. The Daily is going to become a bubble of dedicated Medill students, where the only people who read The Daily write for The Daily.

At least mentioning the hours of work you give to The Daily on your résumé will help you get an internship, right?