Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Fellow guides, the state of the TGs is awesome! There is not a single thing wrong with anything on this campus or within this group of 120ish tightly knit undergrads and graduates who haven’t yet found a real job! Let me tell you why. This podium in front of me was built in 1851 by our founder, the same guy who built The Rock, with his bare hands! That’s definitely a true fact!

Here are some more facts. Hand waving to people we don’t know in an attempt to look more popular in front of high schoolers is down 23 percent! Misleading anecdotes that suggest all of NU’s food taste likes Frontera is up 40 percent!!

We just got tour guide quarter zips and t-shirts! Now, in case other students haven’t noticed us while walking backwards (backwards!) around campus, we now have another way to differentiate ourselves and let everyone know we were selected to the most prestigious group on campus.

Let me conclude the state of the tour guides with the way we always like to close: why Northwestern? Well, today I guess the more apt question is why even give a speech about the state of the tour guides? Well, we believe it is our right to be listened to in rapt attention at all times by people who vastly overestimate how much impact we have on their lives! Go Cats!