Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the state of Gone Greek Night was absolutely successful.

As the wise philosopher Macklemore once said, “We danced, we cried, we laughed, and had a really, really, really good time.” Well, my companions in values-based organizations, we succeeded. There were not one, but TWO freshmen boys passed out in the sorority foyer. The scent of roses almost drowned out the smell of beer. We grinded to more nineties songs than our six-year-old selves would have ever imagined.

In short, we achieved more values than the Panhellenic Association ever even dreamed of. We valued that Long Island iced tea like it was the nectar of the gods. We valued organized bathroom trips. We valued butchering the lyrics of classic songs in order to allude to drunken sexual activities.

This is the essence of our community. This is what makes our union so strong. We value each other, so we could count on a piggy-back ride when we could no longer stand.

So while we may have been barely clothed, or sweated through our button-downs, or taken our ties off and whipped them around in suggestive fashions, we were still valuing each other. We may or may not have sung majorly out of key, but we still smiled and nodded like you were the hottest thing we’d ever seen. We may have even suffered in our walks of shame or reveled in our strides of pride, but regardless, we are strong community, and that is what matters come Saturday morning.

May the Pantheon bless these Greek organizations, and always remember, TFTC.