EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could not be a member of a group of plants commonly considered roses.

“I have consulted various dichotomy trees, and it is evident that the condom rose, in fact, cannot be considered a rose at all,” announced Leary. “The complete lack of reproductive organs means that whatever the condom rose is, it is definitely not a flower at all. I think we all should have realized something was wrong when the so-called flower’s petals were made of what seemingly resemble condom wrappers.”

The news of this deflowering has shocked many in the horticultural community. Area gardening enthusiast Petunia Willows was stunned, stating that her condom rosebush is now ineligible for the Wilmette flower show. “But look at this!” Willows exclaimed while trimming her magnificent bush. “How can you say that it’s not a flower?”

When contacted by The Flipside, members of SHAPE could not be reached for a response since their mouths were otherwise occupied.