NEOPIA CENTRAL — Your Kacheek, Lupe, and Quiggle have raided The National Neopian Bank, demanding that the teller, a grumpy green Skeith, hand over ten thousand neopoints to pay for some food. Since you have not fed them in four years, your pets furiously went to Neopian Fresh Foods and purchased three leeks, a pteri kabob, and an apple juice for a total of 3,392 NP.

Having satiated their hunger, your pets, named soccerKacheek1235, HarryPotterLupe-in, and MrQuigglekins, then decided to exact retribution from you, their neglectful owner. They jumped into a sketchy banner ad (which have been added to the website since the last time you logged on, you neglectful prick), and would have used the remnants of the stolen neopoints to purchase and download a Trojan virus, but were disappointed to learn that neopoints are not legal tender on other websites.

Your pets then returned to Neopia and travelled to Faerieland to spin the Wheel of Fortune and finally win the corresponding secret avatar, thinking that the small animated gif would be “fun.”

Your Neopets then came to the same conclusion you did years and years ago, that this website is stupid, and attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the top of Terror Mountain, but couldn’t do it because they’re indestructible pieces of virtual data.

Consequently, your Neopets registered your account for Premium service in order to receive therapy from the Neopian Pound’s resident psychiatrist, a new feature of the website. Your credit card will thus be charged $69.95 a year.