LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets.

“I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on the face of a lady in the past, but, you know, we all have to grow up one day. Now I feel like I am starting a new era of my life, and I am certainly very excited about it. I am a changed man and I’m ready to prove it,” said the musician about his upcoming efforts. He went on to reveal that he and his crew have prescribed themselves a very busy schedule, promising to beat up at least one minority celebrity per month.

“I already got Caribbeans and gays out of the way, so I might get a Jew next, maybe Adam Levine. But I don’t wanna give anything away, we worked really hard on this and I want it to be a surprise,” he added. “By the way, did you know that Bruno Mars is from Hawaii?”