BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside.

China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked.

Other on-campus publications were also targeted in the Chinese attack. After reading dozens of emails between writers for The Northwestern Chronicle, the only useful information found were several dozen of pictures of a shirtless Paul Ryan. A hack of Sherman Ave yielded, “soft core porn… and a shower beer,” according to an anonymous inside source.

Unsatisfied with the sub-par material provided, China is reportedly looking to crash the Northwestern University Chamber Orchestra concert next week as well as Tech’s next job fair, both of which expect to draw a large number of Chinese students. China’s Defense Ministry is acting on reports of international students learning to use Facebook, but is considering abandoning the project after reading such “shitty content on that Jennifer Lawrence fan page.”