EVANSTON — A devastating dormitory flood this past Monday left hundreds of residents in Slivka Residence Hall on North Campus without textbooks, graph paper, or TI-89 calculators. Reports indicate that the calamity may have been caused either by a malfunctioning radiator or the collective tears of three sophomore biomedical engineers studying for their Accelerated Organic Chemistry midterm.

Beginning sometime between the hours of 4:00 and 7:00 AM in Suite 220 on the second floor, the storm surge penetrated suites 230, 240, and 250, before re-routing down the South staircase and totally engulfing the three suites below.

“We lost some good freshmen,” said a newly and notably obese Ben Slivka, surveying the flood-related carnage in a half-zip fleece Tuesday afternoon. “I’ve personally been on the phone with Morty three times though, and he even gave me his number up in the Admin building. Hell, tonight, we’ll probably go out for Cheesie’s. Oh, but that does NOT mean I support him in next month’s budget hearings. Absolutely no money should ever be given to those hippies in SESP.”

More powerful than the tense political undertones of the flood relief effort are the incredible stories of love, loss, and survival in the face of the heating-unit-related disaster. “I’ll never let go!” yelled Jessica Harris, a still delusional Chemical Engineer, whose lab partner was lost in catastrophe. “We both tried to float out on my old Calculus textbook,” she choked through tears, “but the mops just didn’t make it in time.”

Sophomore Matt Foreman told the heroic story of four electrical engineers quick actions in the face of rising floodwaters in the first floor study room. The engineers–the only four over one hundred pounds in McCormick–banded together to bash the backdoor of Lisa’s Café open with a stool to free a growing mob of damp Physics majors that included Foreman.

“The security guard was standing in front of the door saying, ‘NO, if you break open that door, the floor of Lisa’s will be wet too, and that’s one more floor cleaning services is going to have to mop tomorrow.’ When they finally broke through, one of the boys, Ho Ching Minh, was taken down by a greasy napkin a Tappa Tappa Keg pledge eating a chipotle chicken burrito threw at him while he yelled ‘Fuck you nerd, now my Sperry’s are wet.’ I owe Ho Ching my life.”

Other members of the North Campus community were quick to reach out and offer support to the flood refugees. Kemper, CCI, and Green House all offered to host displaced Slivka residents during their time of need. Nevertheless, most said they’d rather just sleep in Tech Library since they usually do that anyways.