SOUTH BEND, IN — It looks like Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad have some explaining to do. God does not exist, and an investigation launched by Notre Dame University on December 26th confirms the news. The investigation was initiated after there was no Christmas miracle and Manti Te’o failed to win the Heisman. All doubt was removed after the heathens from Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-10 in the BCS National Championship.

According to coach Brian Kelly, “Nobody is watching over us, not God, and not Touchdown Jesus. All of those possessions that he used to turn into touchdowns are now just punts and turnovers.”

The investigative team conducted interviews with prominent figures who have been previously associated with this so called “God.” Their stories fill up some of the holes in the Holy Book. The testimony of Job is especially illuminating. After having lived a righteous life, he was suddenly struck by calamity for no reason. Job argues, “If there were a God, there is no way I could have lost my house and my livestock.” Investigators found that his misfortune was not the work of God, but rather of George Michael Bluth in an effort to gain control of the family banana stand.

In order to determine all of the parties responsible for perpetuating this myth, Notre Dame officials have started to look inward to make sure all of their bases and domes are covered. A possible suspect is Knute Rockne, a former head coach who has made up stories about a sick son and about a hospital ridden football player called the Gipper. Another possibility is that Rudy Rudeger invented God to convince the team to let him on to the field for that one snap at the end of that one movie, I forget what it was called. A third suspect is former head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz. An audio analysis found shocking similarities between Holtz’s voice and the voice people imagine to belong to God.

Athletic director Jack Swarbrick summed up his feelings on the investigation, “Despite the fact that I am in charge of the football team, you should totally trust me when I say that the football team is in no way culpable for this. For you to even suggest that Knute, Rudy, or Lou would do such a thing saddens me. It saddens me in a way that gross negligence and rape accusations never could. How dare you question the mystique that is Notre Dame and the infallibility bestowed on us by the Pope!”

Reports that God faked his death and has reappeared in the form of a flying spaghetti monster in order to evade drug dealers are as of press time, unsubstantiated.